When I was in middle school, I was teased and called names. You learn to shake off a certain amount of this. By the time I got to middle school, I was used to a fair amount of name calling and meanness. I could just put my head down and ignore the people who were calling out to me to get my attention, just so they could look me in the face and laugh when they made a joke at my expense. People saying they liked my homemade pants, where could they get a pair; boys pointing at each other saying, "He likes you!"; the names like fatso and tub of lard were familiar. I had heard them from my own mother at some point in my life. She didn't like fat kids either.
But one day when I was in the hall on the back end of the gym, having either just come from gym or from the bathroom nearby, a boy called me Blubber Lips. I was mortified. I didn't even know that was a thing. I knew I was fat, there wasn't anything I could do to hide that fact. But blubber lips? Is that a Thing, a Bad Thing, to have fat lips? It bothered me a lot at the time even though I have no idea which boy said it and, truth be told, whether he was actually talking to me. I assumed he was, because it felt like most random comments shouted out in my direction were towards me, even though I tried to ignore them and pretend they weren't about me at all.
For some reason, the thought that there was another part of my body that could be fat and considered unattractive, a body part that I just had never considered as problematic, that was just hard to take. I think after that I deliberately tried to make my lips look as non-fat as possible. I kept them closed tightly often times.
A few years later I was in a musical with a local singing group. A woman was helping me apply stage make-up, and she drew a line around my lips with lip liner before she filled it in with lipstick. She told me she was making my mouth a little fuller as I had thin lips. I do? I asked in amazement. I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing either, but it seemed like fuller lips were better. It was just a statement of fact, and I wasn't sure if it was good or bad, but later I realized I wanted fuller lips. I was a person with lips not big enough for the rest of her, it would make more sense if all of me was big, I thought.
My top lip is thin. It seems to have always been problematic. It has a scar, and it is uneven. When I was 7, I was in a bike accident. A boy deliberately rode into me and knocked me over...I think. I lost a bit of time around the accident. I remember riding down the street with a group of girls, going as fast as we could, and seeing this group of boys in a driveway. A boy was on a bike, at the top of a ramp, smiling. The next thing I remember is waking up as my dad was carrying me down the street to my home. He was wearing a maroon shirt, and my face was against his chest. I was in pain. My hands were torn up, with flesh gouged out of them, and my lips were a mess. I must have landed right on them. I had a giant swelled lip that was black and red. It looked like the bubble in a pizza crust at that pizza place at the mall.
My parents took me to the emergency room, and I had stitches. I remember lying on the table and feeling so sleepy, looking at the lights. They told me to put ice on my face to reduce the swelling. My mom and sister thought I looked so terrible that I remember being very diligent with the ice pack, wanting to impress my mother with my healed face. It worked, she was excited when it started to look better. I remember lying in bed at night, looking at my poor chunked out hands and crying that someone would hurt me like that.
My mom was angry at the boy who did it, and started making me go out with her into the street whenever she saw him playing. She would go up to him and yell, "Look what you did to my daughter, look what you did to her! Are you proud of yourself?" That was embarrassing, and I started resisting going outside, so she'd yell from the doorway. Eventually she got over it, thank goodness.
When I talked to friends about the accident, they told me I was passed out on the street and bleeding, and you could still see the blood stains. I couldn't see them when I went to look--they looked like old oil stains, there was no blood. And I wasn't damaged internally, so it wasn't like I was coughing up blood, as they said I was. Oh, the melodrama of that age. The girls also told me that the boy's mother came up to me and told me to get up go home and stop faking it. I was really angry at her for saying that. I wanted her to admit she was wrong. My sister apparently brought some kids by the house to look at me through the window, saying I was a monster. I don't remember that ever happening, thankfully, although maybe I would have thought that was funny. I remember getting to eat poundcake cut into little squares. My lip healed, but there was a scar at on the top lip where the little peak was supposed to be, and my lips were forever asymmetrical after that, although that probably isn't uncommon anyway.
I asked my father about that accident when I was an adult, what did he see when he came to get me. He said I was just sitting on the curb, crying. I seemed stunned. He told me come on home, but because I seemed out of it, he picked me up and carried me.
The other day I was putting lotion on my face, and lamenting that I have my mother's thin top lip with very little peak--unlike my husband and my daughter's beautiful little cupid's boy lips. My scar isn't even noticeable anymore, but it's the same darn lip my mother had, that's why I have thin lips. She did too. At that point I remembered when that boy called my Blubber Lips. I'm 46 now and was only 12 then, and he may not have even been yelling at me, but I carried it anyway. Funny how those things stick with you and come back at the oddest times. It probably explains some of my insecurities and why it is still easy for me to believe that I get less respect because I am a fat woman. But in some ways this can be freeing.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
15 December 2012
Guns are violent. Guns are inanimate and often silent, but in their function they are violent. They are like the forces of nature in that way, and reflect the natures of human beings who created tools that are useful and violent to help them persevere against a capricious and often violent world. Many things are strong, deadly and operate with a violent effect, but guns were created specifically with one need in mind--a way to concentrate power into a wieldable form, a power that is beyond what the physical bodies of humans can achieve without a tool. All weapons, all tools are a way that we use our intellect to extend our physical abilities to gain an advantage, and a firearm is a tool in that sense. But to see a gun, to see a photo of a firearm has a specific effect on us, produces a specific reaction. We know the significance of them; we know they are created to kill. Even if we never fire a gun except at a target, and see guns only as a type of sport, we know the original purpose of target practice. This is true of weapons.
Yet we are able to distance ourselves from the violence of guns, knowing we have them for a purpose we hope never to encounter. We can view them in a historical context that is colored by the very bloody, deadly conflict between humans so that guns are just part of this noise, a somewhat interesting and admired part of it. We can evaluate the tactics of war like a game and reenact these wars in recreation as an enjoyable pastime. We will adhere to a religious belief in which the instrument of torture and death of our Savior becomes the symbol of the Savior's sacrifice. Eons pass, and we distill very real things into symbolic ones, and then change the meanings. Humans do this all the time. It's one of the things, I believe, that is uniquely human. It takes a certain amount of intelligence to be calculatedly violent. Yet we maintain that ability to gloss over the significance of things so that as biological organisms, we can continue to thrive and reproduce. Many many things suffer at our hands, and we laugh at their suffering, deeming it part of nature.
Part II, written after December 15th
People love guns, people hate guns, people imagine a world with no guns; they should imagine a world without violence, for a world just as motivated by greed and self preservation in the gathering of resources but one without technology is a part of history. The truth is not necessarily revealed by facts. It may be ludicrous to talk about guns as being protection for women when more women and children die today because of firearms. But we are talking at cross purposes, comparing the statistical with the ideological. Do you believe, at your core, that you have the right to take up a weapon and defend yourself and your loved ones? Are you a pacifist. If you are not, what are the limits of the weapon you should be able to choose? Does the Second Amendment even address this? It seems very vague and insufficient for our purposes today.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
The right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed could be interpreted as there shall be no governmental regulation of any kinds of weaponry. But there is, of course. We regulate and control when and where firearms can be used, who can own them and who cannot, and what kind they can own.
A Constitution that cannot change or be interpreted in such a way to reflect the needs of the people in the society it is used to govern is useless. Philosophical beliefs can transcend time and space, the good ones always will. But we can't take 200 years of technology and ignore it. We are dealing with an issue of rights in a world where what was once not even something someone could imagine is now beyond possible. We can argue that the technology we have is too dangerous and we need to find ways to reign it in because our culture and society are such that we demand this as a people who elect leaders to govern us. We can interpret the Constitution literally, and therefore say we believe that we are limited to the firearms technology available at the time. We can't, however, say that there are only two options: no firearms, or unlimited weaponry. We aren't allowed to own nuclear suitcase bombs. We are allowed to interpret and write laws that we feel will serve us best as a technology.
Ultimately I do believe that people have the right to arm and defend themselves. I do believe people have the right to work together to interpret and change the laws in a way that is beneficial to society as a whole, in a way that is Constitutionally sound. I feel that, like the abortion issue, we are comparing apples to oranges. When you look at the issue of individual owning and using firearms, and when you look at the issue of people having abortions, the thought at first might be that these things are terrible and basically exist to end the life of living things. Just like most women who choose to have an abortion aren't saying, "yay, I get to kill a fetus", most people who use weapons aren't saying, "I'm going to go kill some children." People are making decisions about what is best for themselves and their family, even if it comes at a price that seems too high to others. I'm always amazed, I must say, when people who want to reserve the right to kill another human or group of humans to preserve their property as well as their safety, don't believe that a woman should have the right to end the pregnancy in her own body before the baby could ever exist outside of it. If there is a repercussion from the Universe and the State in making this decision, then each person has the right to make that decision for him or herself and deal with both the legal and spiritual fallout.
With the culture, the history, the ideology around the myriad of dangerous technology, whether weapon or not, we will never be able to keep people from dying violently, before their times. I'm willing to be proved wrong, I'm willing to try, but part of me believes that there are worse things than dying by a firearm. When I think of that woman in India, pulled gang raped to death, and thrown off the bus, I think it would have been better for her to have been shot.
I started writing this on December 15th, but I kept it as a draft for a long time
Yet we are able to distance ourselves from the violence of guns, knowing we have them for a purpose we hope never to encounter. We can view them in a historical context that is colored by the very bloody, deadly conflict between humans so that guns are just part of this noise, a somewhat interesting and admired part of it. We can evaluate the tactics of war like a game and reenact these wars in recreation as an enjoyable pastime. We will adhere to a religious belief in which the instrument of torture and death of our Savior becomes the symbol of the Savior's sacrifice. Eons pass, and we distill very real things into symbolic ones, and then change the meanings. Humans do this all the time. It's one of the things, I believe, that is uniquely human. It takes a certain amount of intelligence to be calculatedly violent. Yet we maintain that ability to gloss over the significance of things so that as biological organisms, we can continue to thrive and reproduce. Many many things suffer at our hands, and we laugh at their suffering, deeming it part of nature.
Part II, written after December 15th
People love guns, people hate guns, people imagine a world with no guns; they should imagine a world without violence, for a world just as motivated by greed and self preservation in the gathering of resources but one without technology is a part of history. The truth is not necessarily revealed by facts. It may be ludicrous to talk about guns as being protection for women when more women and children die today because of firearms. But we are talking at cross purposes, comparing the statistical with the ideological. Do you believe, at your core, that you have the right to take up a weapon and defend yourself and your loved ones? Are you a pacifist. If you are not, what are the limits of the weapon you should be able to choose? Does the Second Amendment even address this? It seems very vague and insufficient for our purposes today.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
The right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed could be interpreted as there shall be no governmental regulation of any kinds of weaponry. But there is, of course. We regulate and control when and where firearms can be used, who can own them and who cannot, and what kind they can own.
A Constitution that cannot change or be interpreted in such a way to reflect the needs of the people in the society it is used to govern is useless. Philosophical beliefs can transcend time and space, the good ones always will. But we can't take 200 years of technology and ignore it. We are dealing with an issue of rights in a world where what was once not even something someone could imagine is now beyond possible. We can argue that the technology we have is too dangerous and we need to find ways to reign it in because our culture and society are such that we demand this as a people who elect leaders to govern us. We can interpret the Constitution literally, and therefore say we believe that we are limited to the firearms technology available at the time. We can't, however, say that there are only two options: no firearms, or unlimited weaponry. We aren't allowed to own nuclear suitcase bombs. We are allowed to interpret and write laws that we feel will serve us best as a technology.
Ultimately I do believe that people have the right to arm and defend themselves. I do believe people have the right to work together to interpret and change the laws in a way that is beneficial to society as a whole, in a way that is Constitutionally sound. I feel that, like the abortion issue, we are comparing apples to oranges. When you look at the issue of individual owning and using firearms, and when you look at the issue of people having abortions, the thought at first might be that these things are terrible and basically exist to end the life of living things. Just like most women who choose to have an abortion aren't saying, "yay, I get to kill a fetus", most people who use weapons aren't saying, "I'm going to go kill some children." People are making decisions about what is best for themselves and their family, even if it comes at a price that seems too high to others. I'm always amazed, I must say, when people who want to reserve the right to kill another human or group of humans to preserve their property as well as their safety, don't believe that a woman should have the right to end the pregnancy in her own body before the baby could ever exist outside of it. If there is a repercussion from the Universe and the State in making this decision, then each person has the right to make that decision for him or herself and deal with both the legal and spiritual fallout.
With the culture, the history, the ideology around the myriad of dangerous technology, whether weapon or not, we will never be able to keep people from dying violently, before their times. I'm willing to be proved wrong, I'm willing to try, but part of me believes that there are worse things than dying by a firearm. When I think of that woman in India, pulled gang raped to death, and thrown off the bus, I think it would have been better for her to have been shot.
I started writing this on December 15th, but I kept it as a draft for a long time
Saturday, December 15, 2012
14 December 2012
Today was my birthday, and normally I would reflect back on the past year. But I am going to copy things I've read on facebook about the Newtown/Sandy Hook shootings.
"Like everyone else, I am heart broken. I alternate between waves of heartbreak and waves of anger. 300 million guns in America...when is enough- enough. It keeps happening, we say it's bad but we seem to accept it. It truly makes me sick." --a friend at church
"I find it sad and sickening that we have gotten to a point in this country where we refuse to acknowledge or believe that our violent, gun-obsessed culture has nothing to do with these massacres. And we keep saying MORE guns is the solution. Yeah, that's working isn't it?" --a friend in Reno
"Mike Huckabee's god won't protect public school children because they don't pray in class. Huckabee and his god can go fuck themselves." --a friend in Florida
"Confuse liberty with weaponry and watch your kids act it out." --a friend in Florida
"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TALK ABOUT GUN CONTROL, AMERICA?! Do you think now is maybe the time??" --a friend in Canada
"I am gun owner I am so tired o f people blaming guns... Guns aren't loading themselves nor are they pulling trigger...It's people ... People are always using other things for them being sick and twisted.. These people need there ass kicked .. Kids really .....just sick..." --a friend from high school
and in response to his post: "It's not even people...It's demonic spirits who are controlling people!!! The world needs JESUS!!!I wish people would wake up and recognize how bad the world is because it's so evil and everyone just rejects God!! THE BIBLE says it very clearly....this is what we are dealing with........Ephesians 6:12 King James Version (KJV) 12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."
"I'm not going to say anything about the school shooting other than it is horrific and I am heartbroken for all the families." --a friend in California
"I obviously am heartbroken over what happened today in CT, so many lives lost and so many innocent children. I do not mean to take away from that...but every day hundreds (if not thousands) of children die from equally preventable causes: Lack of mosquito nets, lack of clean water, being born the wrong sex in the wrong country, lack of medical care, being in a war zone, like Syria, I could go on and on. Let us all try to do better by ALL of the children of the world and truly live as one, sharing the same planet and loving ALL. That is my wish for the New Year." --a friend from high school.
"What a sad day What a cowardly no good shitbag 5 year old children !!!!!! This shitbags soul will burn in Hell forever. How can we share the sorrow for famlies esp. Moms n dads of the Victims /children's, so much pain what a tragic loss my eyes tear up for them ,the world seems to have stopped for a moment!!!!!" --a friend from high school who changed his profile pic to one of him holding a gun.
"I am so horrified. 18 children dead. The majority of the shooting done in the kindergarten classrooms. 4-6 year olds. EIGHTEEN KIDS DEAD." I will say it now. I don't give a fuck about your right to bear arms. This is not ok. This is NOT ok. There is no way 18 fucking children would be dead right now if he didn't have a gun." --a friend from Colorado
"I'll take a little gun control with my Friday glass of wine."
"Today my heart broke into a 1000 pieces. People kill people. It's happened since we walked the earth and it will continue to happen until our brains and hearts evolve. #guncontrolnow" --a friend in NY
"'ll be honest: Ronald Reagan is one of my least favorite presidents, but the old saw about how "Ronald Reagan let all the crazy people out of the asylums when he was Governor" is an over-simplification of why we have a mental health problem in this county. That being said, we DO have a mental health problem (which dovetails with our larger healthcare problem), and we DO have a gun problem, and the two compound each other." --a friend in Reno
"I've been sitting here reading all of your posts about today's horrific events and simply don't know what to say. My heart is broken and I am so angry. Being a mother of 4 children, it's sickening to think about every good-bye kiss and "have a good day" could end up like this. I know we cannot live in fear and we have to talk to our children, but how do we comfort them when we ourselves are so hurt over this?
I've spent the evening mourning over this and the same question keeps coming to mind, WHY? I'm am sick thinking about the extreme unbearable sadness the families are experiencing, especially right before Christmas.
Hold your little ones tight and cherish them daily. Turn off the news and talk to your kids. We don't need the media or politicians sensationalizing these events and desensitizing our children. My thoughts and prayers are with not only the families of those victims, but with all parents who are as devastated by this as I am." --a relative
"Everyone on this page knows I spent the entire fall rooting for you Barack Obama. You are not making me proud in this moment. DO. FUCKING. SOMETHING." --a blogger
"Thank you, Mr. President" with a link to the video Obama weeps over school massacre. --a friend in Reno
"No more guns." --a friend in Canada
"We are a nation of guns, violence and disrespect. Listen to talk radio, vitriolic hatred is rampant there. To correct this we need to pay attention to the dishonesty, manipulation and rhetoric of our advertising, watch the violent games our children and even adults play, watch the horrific films and television... this tragedy is a result of all this negativity and hatrid." --a friend in Reno
"So sad to hear about the CT school shooting. These incidents are such huge red flags about how we need to get serious about treating mental health issues. No "well" person would go in the the kindergarten at their child's school and start firing." --a friend in WA
"We had a gun massacre here in 1996. 35 people murdered (the youngest three years old, the oldest 72) and another 23 injured by a young man with a semi automatic weapon and a grudge. Our government introduced some of the toughest gun control laws in the world in response. Since then, yes, the criminal element do still manage to access guns. Generally they shoot each other. Occasionally an innocent bystander is hurt. Most of our firearm deaths are suicides. We have had one attempted spree shooting that I am aware of in the years since. The young man in question had a legally obtained handgun and he managed to kill precisely TWO people at his university, wounding five. That's a grand total of seven people he was able to shoot before he was tackled by fellow students and subdued. He is currently under psychiatric care. You cannot convince me that the death toll would not have been greater had he had access to larger weapons. We lost 2 people that day, not twenty. Gun control makes a difference." --comment on blogger's wall
"Like everyone else, I am heart broken. I alternate between waves of heartbreak and waves of anger. 300 million guns in America...when is enough- enough. It keeps happening, we say it's bad but we seem to accept it. It truly makes me sick." --a friend at church
"I find it sad and sickening that we have gotten to a point in this country where we refuse to acknowledge or believe that our violent, gun-obsessed culture has nothing to do with these massacres. And we keep saying MORE guns is the solution. Yeah, that's working isn't it?" --a friend in Reno
"Mike Huckabee's god won't protect public school children because they don't pray in class. Huckabee and his god can go fuck themselves." --a friend in Florida
"Confuse liberty with weaponry and watch your kids act it out." --a friend in Florida
"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TALK ABOUT GUN CONTROL, AMERICA?! Do you think now is maybe the time??" --a friend in Canada
"I am gun owner I am so tired o f people blaming guns... Guns aren't loading themselves nor are they pulling trigger...It's people ... People are always using other things for them being sick and twisted.. These people need there ass kicked .. Kids really .....just sick..." --a friend from high school
and in response to his post: "It's not even people...It's demonic spirits who are controlling people!!! The world needs JESUS!!!I wish people would wake up and recognize how bad the world is because it's so evil and everyone just rejects God!! THE BIBLE says it very clearly....this is what we are dealing with........Ephesians 6:12 King James Version (KJV) 12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."
"I'm not going to say anything about the school shooting other than it is horrific and I am heartbroken for all the families." --a friend in California
"I obviously am heartbroken over what happened today in CT, so many lives lost and so many innocent children. I do not mean to take away from that...but every day hundreds (if not thousands) of children die from equally preventable causes: Lack of mosquito nets, lack of clean water, being born the wrong sex in the wrong country, lack of medical care, being in a war zone, like Syria, I could go on and on. Let us all try to do better by ALL of the children of the world and truly live as one, sharing the same planet and loving ALL. That is my wish for the New Year." --a friend from high school.
"What a sad day What a cowardly no good shitbag 5 year old children !!!!!! This shitbags soul will burn in Hell forever. How can we share the sorrow for famlies esp. Moms n dads of the Victims /children's, so much pain what a tragic loss my eyes tear up for them ,the world seems to have stopped for a moment!!!!!" --a friend from high school who changed his profile pic to one of him holding a gun.
"I am so horrified. 18 children dead. The majority of the shooting done in the kindergarten classrooms. 4-6 year olds. EIGHTEEN KIDS DEAD." I will say it now. I don't give a fuck about your right to bear arms. This is not ok. This is NOT ok. There is no way 18 fucking children would be dead right now if he didn't have a gun." --a friend from Colorado
"I'll take a little gun control with my Friday glass of wine."
"Today my heart broke into a 1000 pieces. People kill people. It's happened since we walked the earth and it will continue to happen until our brains and hearts evolve. #guncontrolnow" --a friend in NY
"'ll be honest: Ronald Reagan is one of my least favorite presidents, but the old saw about how "Ronald Reagan let all the crazy people out of the asylums when he was Governor" is an over-simplification of why we have a mental health problem in this county. That being said, we DO have a mental health problem (which dovetails with our larger healthcare problem), and we DO have a gun problem, and the two compound each other." --a friend in Reno
"I've been sitting here reading all of your posts about today's horrific events and simply don't know what to say. My heart is broken and I am so angry. Being a mother of 4 children, it's sickening to think about every good-bye kiss and "have a good day" could end up like this. I know we cannot live in fear and we have to talk to our children, but how do we comfort them when we ourselves are so hurt over this?
I've spent the evening mourning over this and the same question keeps coming to mind, WHY? I'm am sick thinking about the extreme unbearable sadness the families are experiencing, especially right before Christmas.
Hold your little ones tight and cherish them daily. Turn off the news and talk to your kids. We don't need the media or politicians sensationalizing these events and desensitizing our children. My thoughts and prayers are with not only the families of those victims, but with all parents who are as devastated by this as I am." --a relative
"Everyone on this page knows I spent the entire fall rooting for you Barack Obama. You are not making me proud in this moment. DO. FUCKING. SOMETHING." --a blogger
"Thank you, Mr. President" with a link to the video Obama weeps over school massacre. --a friend in Reno
"No more guns." --a friend in Canada
"We are a nation of guns, violence and disrespect. Listen to talk radio, vitriolic hatred is rampant there. To correct this we need to pay attention to the dishonesty, manipulation and rhetoric of our advertising, watch the violent games our children and even adults play, watch the horrific films and television... this tragedy is a result of all this negativity and hatrid." --a friend in Reno
"So sad to hear about the CT school shooting. These incidents are such huge red flags about how we need to get serious about treating mental health issues. No "well" person would go in the the kindergarten at their child's school and start firing." --a friend in WA
"We had a gun massacre here in 1996. 35 people murdered (the youngest three years old, the oldest 72) and another 23 injured by a young man with a semi automatic weapon and a grudge. Our government introduced some of the toughest gun control laws in the world in response. Since then, yes, the criminal element do still manage to access guns. Generally they shoot each other. Occasionally an innocent bystander is hurt. Most of our firearm deaths are suicides. We have had one attempted spree shooting that I am aware of in the years since. The young man in question had a legally obtained handgun and he managed to kill precisely TWO people at his university, wounding five. That's a grand total of seven people he was able to shoot before he was tackled by fellow students and subdued. He is currently under psychiatric care. You cannot convince me that the death toll would not have been greater had he had access to larger weapons. We lost 2 people that day, not twenty. Gun control makes a difference." --comment on blogger's wall
Sunday, October 28, 2012
28 October 2012
Today was a beautiful day, sunny and mild. I took the dog for a walk at 8 pm not, no jacket, because it was still warm enough to enjoy the stroll without one. The night was breezy and the moon was bright, almost full. The street lights shine then dim out all along our street, and at the end of the street where the trail goes up into the hills, it gets dark. I could see the moon shining on the light stucco walls of the houses on the hill above me. There were a few stars twinkling, their intensity dimmed by the moon's glow on the rabbit brush covered hills. I love how expansive everything feels, I love how the treetops blow in the breeze, the moonlight makes it all seem exciting. And there was a scent in the air of backyard BBQs, so it felt like it could be a night in August. August and October have always seemed the two months that are the farthest apart, but in northern Nevada maybe this is not the case. Leaves start to turn as the August nights cool down, but the sunny days of October keep many trees green for a long time.
My daughter loves the brightness of day, and enjoys the sunrise more than the sunset. And the sunsets though pretty can be melancholy in a way, the sign of another day over and realizing it's time to wind up. But then the nights feel broad and open, like there is a deepness above you. We can come back out in the night and enjoy the soft beauty of it, we can still come together and do things. I sample the fresh air and enjoy the movement of walking with the dog in the dry coolness of it, and I want to write about it, but when I come inside it's closer, warmer, louder, brighter. It all feels so much more compressed and heavy, and there are many sounds and demands on my attention, and I can't think how to write about the outside, the night walk.
My daughter loves the brightness of day, and enjoys the sunrise more than the sunset. And the sunsets though pretty can be melancholy in a way, the sign of another day over and realizing it's time to wind up. But then the nights feel broad and open, like there is a deepness above you. We can come back out in the night and enjoy the soft beauty of it, we can still come together and do things. I sample the fresh air and enjoy the movement of walking with the dog in the dry coolness of it, and I want to write about it, but when I come inside it's closer, warmer, louder, brighter. It all feels so much more compressed and heavy, and there are many sounds and demands on my attention, and I can't think how to write about the outside, the night walk.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
4 September 2012
A typical day or atypical day?
Wake up, offer very minimal help to getting the child off to school--lunches are already made, I just forgot to lay out clothes. Since I don't have to drive her now, my day is so different. Get back in bed, write a book review. Decide I must get dressed and walk the dog now that it is already 10.
Get dressed, walk dog. Plan day; not only this day, but plan to adopt a more rigid schedule, one with timers. Two hours for this, two hours for that, see, you can be productive I tell myself. Decide what needs to be done today. The paperwork for my mother's estate, can't keep procrastinating, it is due soon. But laundry, there is so much of it, the counter in the laundry room now has a pile above my head, and like a gold mine, the efforts at getting a pair of underwear for the kids takes more work and yields crappier results with each sifting.
Come back in house, carry a giant armful of laundry to the living room, dump it on the man's chair. I am declaring my absolute intention to deal with laundry by doing this. Now it has to be folded today, it's on his sitting place. Think about how it's too bad the second season of Downton Abbey isn't on Netflix, otherwise I'd get all the laundry folded. Feel guilty about estate paperwork, stop myself from running upstairs to get it. Tell myself sternly, no, two hours for laundry, then you can work on paperwork.
Turn and see counter across from chair, it is full of papers, they are messy. Decide to shred the man's trash papers in his "for the shredder" pile. Throw away some of my own papers--not all of them, naturally not. Find paper that needs to be mailed or turned in by Thursday. Decide to mail it today even though it may not make it by Thursday, and then I will have to explain I decided to mail it on Tuesday, when I am seeing the person face-to-face on Thursday.
Go to drawer to get pen to fill out paper. Can't find pen? Why not, I have plenty of office supplies in bags on top of the counter, but can find nothing in the drawer. It hasn't been cleaned in 5 years. Decide it absolutely must be cleaned now. NOW! Start pulling everything out and setting it on the kitchen table. Imagine the categories into which I will sort these things, imagine which can be thrown away. Find pen. Fill out paper, get purse from car, write check. Look for address for envelope. Can't find address. It must be in a directory upstairs in the computer room, where the Estate paperwork is. Suddenly realize that going upstairs is an anathema, it somehow blasphemes all that is holy in the world. I can't go upstairs! I had to physically restrain myself from running up earlier, but now, no. Can't do it!
Look on phone for address. It's not there. Think about checking computer. No, no way, if I log onto computer, that is the ABSOLUTE END OF THE DAY! Check e-mail on phone for roster. No, still no address. Google it. OK, there it is. Wait, is that the right address, I thought that was whatshername's, not so-and-so's. Consider running upstairs for directory. Nope, still an evil choice. Boot up computer.
Find whatshernames address--oh, see, very similar, not the same. Decide google address for so-and-so is correct. Fill out envelope, put on stamp. Again consider it will just be quicker to hand it in face-to-face on Thursday. Go to mailbox anyway, so I don't lose the paper before then. Which, you know, could easily happen.
Somewhere in all of that prepare and pour a cup of coffee. Look at mess of drawer on table and start sorting. Paper clip pile, safety pin pile, eraser pile, pen cap pile--why so many pen caps? I don't know. I think their pens are gone, but I decide to keep the caps for the time being, until I'm done sorting. Throw a small amount away. Coffee is now cold.
Look at bedragged laundry on chair. Think about how it and all the rest of the laundry still in the laundry room needs to be folded. Sit down and drink coffee and go on computer. Get up and throw a few things away from the pile, because I can see them staring at me. Look at rest of mess, knowing I will probably cram most of it back in the drawer. Write this blog post while drinking coffee. Decide to leave out many pronouns and articles for no apparent reason.
Now it's noon, yay, I can finally eat breakfast! Decide to drink more coffee and catch up on SongPop first.
Wake up, offer very minimal help to getting the child off to school--lunches are already made, I just forgot to lay out clothes. Since I don't have to drive her now, my day is so different. Get back in bed, write a book review. Decide I must get dressed and walk the dog now that it is already 10.
Get dressed, walk dog. Plan day; not only this day, but plan to adopt a more rigid schedule, one with timers. Two hours for this, two hours for that, see, you can be productive I tell myself. Decide what needs to be done today. The paperwork for my mother's estate, can't keep procrastinating, it is due soon. But laundry, there is so much of it, the counter in the laundry room now has a pile above my head, and like a gold mine, the efforts at getting a pair of underwear for the kids takes more work and yields crappier results with each sifting.
Come back in house, carry a giant armful of laundry to the living room, dump it on the man's chair. I am declaring my absolute intention to deal with laundry by doing this. Now it has to be folded today, it's on his sitting place. Think about how it's too bad the second season of Downton Abbey isn't on Netflix, otherwise I'd get all the laundry folded. Feel guilty about estate paperwork, stop myself from running upstairs to get it. Tell myself sternly, no, two hours for laundry, then you can work on paperwork.
Turn and see counter across from chair, it is full of papers, they are messy. Decide to shred the man's trash papers in his "for the shredder" pile. Throw away some of my own papers--not all of them, naturally not. Find paper that needs to be mailed or turned in by Thursday. Decide to mail it today even though it may not make it by Thursday, and then I will have to explain I decided to mail it on Tuesday, when I am seeing the person face-to-face on Thursday.
Go to drawer to get pen to fill out paper. Can't find pen? Why not, I have plenty of office supplies in bags on top of the counter, but can find nothing in the drawer. It hasn't been cleaned in 5 years. Decide it absolutely must be cleaned now. NOW! Start pulling everything out and setting it on the kitchen table. Imagine the categories into which I will sort these things, imagine which can be thrown away. Find pen. Fill out paper, get purse from car, write check. Look for address for envelope. Can't find address. It must be in a directory upstairs in the computer room, where the Estate paperwork is. Suddenly realize that going upstairs is an anathema, it somehow blasphemes all that is holy in the world. I can't go upstairs! I had to physically restrain myself from running up earlier, but now, no. Can't do it!
Look on phone for address. It's not there. Think about checking computer. No, no way, if I log onto computer, that is the ABSOLUTE END OF THE DAY! Check e-mail on phone for roster. No, still no address. Google it. OK, there it is. Wait, is that the right address, I thought that was whatshername's, not so-and-so's. Consider running upstairs for directory. Nope, still an evil choice. Boot up computer.
Find whatshernames address--oh, see, very similar, not the same. Decide google address for so-and-so is correct. Fill out envelope, put on stamp. Again consider it will just be quicker to hand it in face-to-face on Thursday. Go to mailbox anyway, so I don't lose the paper before then. Which, you know, could easily happen.
Somewhere in all of that prepare and pour a cup of coffee. Look at mess of drawer on table and start sorting. Paper clip pile, safety pin pile, eraser pile, pen cap pile--why so many pen caps? I don't know. I think their pens are gone, but I decide to keep the caps for the time being, until I'm done sorting. Throw a small amount away. Coffee is now cold.
Look at bedragged laundry on chair. Think about how it and all the rest of the laundry still in the laundry room needs to be folded. Sit down and drink coffee and go on computer. Get up and throw a few things away from the pile, because I can see them staring at me. Look at rest of mess, knowing I will probably cram most of it back in the drawer. Write this blog post while drinking coffee. Decide to leave out many pronouns and articles for no apparent reason.
Now it's noon, yay, I can finally eat breakfast! Decide to drink more coffee and catch up on SongPop first.
Monday, September 3, 2012
3 September 2012
Sometimes people really anger me. More and more I despair about the human race, or feel disgusted by things that we do. I told my sister once that I'm naive, I want to believe we can find the common ground, I want to like people. So I have a love hate relationship. I guess we all do.
Really, I wanted to start this blog post with the statement that some of the people in Reno are jackasses. But people everywhere are jackasses. I went to a birth choice rally today. It was a peaceable small little thing, like-minded folk on the birth front getting together to advocate for the concept, and to share in a national thing. There were rallies all over the country. It was very small, but since it's Reno, the news showed up.
KOLO News 8 posted a photo on their facebook, and negative comments started coming.
Trinity: I want to throw water balloons at them. Gently of course. =p
Christine: Did someone confuse Labor Day with April Fool's Day?
Christine: And where is the rally against invasive appendectomies vs. laparoscopic procedures? (cue hyperactive, humorless, outraged comments about comparing a piece of one's digestive tract to a human life)
What a bunch of idiots !.......this won't be an issue when your country goes down in flames! For your country's sake get your bloody priorities right!!!!!!!!
Thankfully a lot of the reponses were positive, and it looks like some of the negative ones were removed. Most of the negative ones were about how there are more important things to worry about. Worry is like love--there is more than enough to go around for everyone.
Really, I wanted to start this blog post with the statement that some of the people in Reno are jackasses. But people everywhere are jackasses. I went to a birth choice rally today. It was a peaceable small little thing, like-minded folk on the birth front getting together to advocate for the concept, and to share in a national thing. There were rallies all over the country. It was very small, but since it's Reno, the news showed up.
KOLO News 8 posted a photo on their facebook, and negative comments started coming.
Trinity: I want to throw water balloons at them. Gently of course. =p
Christine: Did someone confuse Labor Day with April Fool's Day?
Christine: And where is the rally against invasive appendectomies vs. laparoscopic procedures? (cue hyperactive, humorless, outraged comments about comparing a piece of one's digestive tract to a human life)
What a bunch of idiots !.......this won't be an issue when your country goes down in flames! For your country's sake get your bloody priorities right!!!!!!!!
Thankfully a lot of the reponses were positive, and it looks like some of the negative ones were removed. Most of the negative ones were about how there are more important things to worry about. Worry is like love--there is more than enough to go around for everyone.
Friday, August 31, 2012
31 August 2012
Today is the last day of August. Today I noticed the sky was a deep blue with wispy white clouds. The smoke from the California (Chips) fire has moved through. But then this afternoon, the sky was a lighter blue and there were more clouds, and the forecast for tomorrow is a cooler temp and partly cloudy.
I sat out in the shade today, sitting with the dog while I read a book. It was a nice temperature then. August is such a strange month, school has started, but it's still summer. We have weeks left, but already the signs are here that summer is leaving us. No two months ever seem as separated to me as August and October, but last week I saw Halloween displays of candy going in at the local grocery store.
In Reno, there are things happening at the end of summer. The Rib Cook-off is happening this week, and then there will be the balloon festival, the air races, street vibrations, all in September. All of July is Artown and there is the Independence Day holiday to boot. July always feels very busy. August always feels very lazy, as if we've given up trying to get anything done, and we are just holding onto the days of vacation that we have left. But some schools are starting back up in August, and next year my children's schools will begin in mid-August.
Last weekend the older girl and I went to San Francisco where we saw Les Miserables. It was chilly there, overcast the whole time, we had to wear jackets. On Saturday morning, we had breakfast at a little place with a patio and a heater there, which was needed because of the cold. I want to visit San Francisco more frequently or at least one good sightseeing visit, but I don't want to live there.
The past couple of years, we've ended up in Sacramento in mid to late August, and we visit the old town area. It's near the American River, and we see all the trains there, but it's empty. Everything feels empty there on a late afternoon in August. I don't know where the people are, but there is something so lovely about it all in the late afternoon.
Since it is Labor Day weekend, the husband is home early, and we are all sitting comfortably in our house with the beautiful day around us. I can see it out the window, but I'm not in the 90˚ temperatures.
I sat out in the shade today, sitting with the dog while I read a book. It was a nice temperature then. August is such a strange month, school has started, but it's still summer. We have weeks left, but already the signs are here that summer is leaving us. No two months ever seem as separated to me as August and October, but last week I saw Halloween displays of candy going in at the local grocery store.
In Reno, there are things happening at the end of summer. The Rib Cook-off is happening this week, and then there will be the balloon festival, the air races, street vibrations, all in September. All of July is Artown and there is the Independence Day holiday to boot. July always feels very busy. August always feels very lazy, as if we've given up trying to get anything done, and we are just holding onto the days of vacation that we have left. But some schools are starting back up in August, and next year my children's schools will begin in mid-August.
Last weekend the older girl and I went to San Francisco where we saw Les Miserables. It was chilly there, overcast the whole time, we had to wear jackets. On Saturday morning, we had breakfast at a little place with a patio and a heater there, which was needed because of the cold. I want to visit San Francisco more frequently or at least one good sightseeing visit, but I don't want to live there.
The past couple of years, we've ended up in Sacramento in mid to late August, and we visit the old town area. It's near the American River, and we see all the trains there, but it's empty. Everything feels empty there on a late afternoon in August. I don't know where the people are, but there is something so lovely about it all in the late afternoon.
Since it is Labor Day weekend, the husband is home early, and we are all sitting comfortably in our house with the beautiful day around us. I can see it out the window, but I'm not in the 90˚ temperatures.
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